It was their fault not mine

I had an interesting conversation with myself, like you do, and me and I went down memory lane.  We went way back to 8th grade (my daughter is in 8th grade which I suppose is why I was thinking about this) and progressed through all the stupid things that we did in school.  And then through college.  We tried to figure out why?  You know, together, we just couldn’t come up with “THE” answer.  I never did think myself was very smart.  

Thing is, when I was in school, I didn’t know who myself was.  I think I wanted to be what all the other “cool” kids were and myself was no where around.  When I needed to fit in somewhere.  When I wanted to fit in somewhere.  It was always I and not myself.  

You see, for years and years (I’m sorry Terry, Dan, Chris, Ya’ll know who you are I honestly mean no harm whatsoever) I never blamed myself for living the lifestyle that I was living.  It was always my friends fault.  I smoked because my friends smoked, I drank because my friends drank, I stole (jeez, sorry mom and dad if your reading this, no mom, if you call and ask me what I stole I’m prolly not gonna wanna talk about it) because they smoked.  It was their fault.  Yet, I still loved hanging around them, even after college.  Why?  Cause I was fitting in. Being what they wanted me to be.  Never myself.  

So fast forward a little.  Who do you think suddenly had no control over his life?  Yep I.  Whose fault was it? Nope, not myselfs.

I really stuggled with this.  It was very hard for I to tell myself that it was his fault.  (Ok..i’m stopping with the I myself stuff, I’m getting confused)  It was very hard for me to accept the fact that everything, and I mean everything that happened to me in my life was MY FAULT!  Do you know how hard it is for an alcoholic to say those things? No?  Ask one.  

“Scott, how hard is it for for an alcoholic to admit self-guilt?”

Well, friends, I’m so glad you asked.  It was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to tell myself.  But you know what?  After I made that statement to myself, myself really started to come out of the shell that he was hiding in for probably ever. 

(sorry had to answer the phone…where was I)

Oh, yeah..Shell…right, thanks…right now I think I’ve just got an arm and maybe a leg out of the shell.  Testing the ground that I have never felt.  Makeing sure that it’s stable and I’m not going to sink.  It’s scary starting over.  It’s tough trying to expose myself.  It’s a process.  But ya know, it’s fun learning.  Again, I’m having such a blast!  Quite possibly the most fun I’ve had with myself in a long time.  Hush.

I still love my friends and my family to death.  There is no way on earth that I will ever want to change anything about the way I grew up.  It has made a caring, loving myself out of I (sorry..had to do it) Looking back and thinking what all they were put through at my expense.  Because I’m a selfish person.  Because I wanted what I wanted and if I didn’t get it (I’m still this way a bit) I was gonna kick and scream until I did. And they are still telling me how proud of me they are or things of that nature.  I’m humbled and almost overwhelmed.  

Thanks to all of you friends.  Old ones and new ones.  It’s because of ya’ll that I am who I am today…no..wait…I didn’t mean like I’m trying to fit in with ya’ll.  I meant..oh never-mind.  I’m getting my own identity.  I hope I don’t become a completely different person, yet I do. 

 

SC

Reflections on Me

Several nights the last few weeks, I have come home around 9 or 9:30PM and as I walk up to my front door, key in hand, I have this thought of how glad I am to be “sane” at this time of night. Going to my house, and not worrying about getting that first drink in my system.  I notice how much more relaxed I seem to be.  It is really exhilarating.

Previous Years

Just last year and for several years prior, at the same time of night, I would have already had 1 or 2 in me and worrying about whether or not I would have enough to get me through the night.  Counting over and over in my head how many I had consumed and how many “cold ones” I had left in the refrigerator.  I couldn’t even enjoy getting drunk because it seems there was always that, worrying about quantity, that haunted me the whole time I was drinking.

I would pace myself and had it almost down to a science.  If I had 6 16oz beers in the fridge, and the time was 8:30PM, I could take a drink every 10 minutes and have enough to get me through until 11:00PM, which is when I usually went to bed.  If I messed up and had finished one before the aloted time, the worry would set in, and on several occasions, I made late night trips to the store just to pickup another 6 just so I would have enough to get me through the rest of the waking hours.

This posed yet another problem.  You see, the next day, after work, I would still stop and pickup 6 just because that’s what I did.  So, when “the time” came I usually had at least 9 cold ones in the fridge.  So, I could drink more this night, drink sooner, and have a  much better drunk.  This in turn really caused my next morning and most of the day to just be miserable and depressing.  

Now

The only concern I seem to have now is how quickly can I get in the bed and get a good nights sleep.  That is so much more relaxing to me.  I also catch myself remembering where I was and it just makes me so thankful that I am the person that I am today.  

Life was no fun at all.  Stress was way up, mostly from having to hide my problem and still try to enjoy it.  I have stories of almost getting caught, that looking back on, makes me feel so childish.  I may share some of those in the future.

I am truly blessed now.  I have so much more respect for life and her little, and sometimes big, nuances.  It seems though, that no matter what she (life) throws at me, I am better equipped to handle the situation, both mentally and physically.

My Plea

Enjoy this life.  Stay away from the things in life that control you.  That something could be alcohol, drugs, food, money, nicotine, just about anything you can imagine could have a control on you.  If you are being controlled by something now, the sooner you accept it, face it and fix it, the better your life will be, that’s a promise.

If you desire a personal correspondence with me, please let me know in the comment section. I will be more than happy to email or even call and chat if that is what you desire.  Just get better, LIFE awaits.

Let me help you help yourself!

SC