It was their fault not mine

I had an interesting conversation with myself, like you do, and me and I went down memory lane.  We went way back to 8th grade (my daughter is in 8th grade which I suppose is why I was thinking about this) and progressed through all the stupid things that we did in school.  And then through college.  We tried to figure out why?  You know, together, we just couldn’t come up with “THE” answer.  I never did think myself was very smart.  

Thing is, when I was in school, I didn’t know who myself was.  I think I wanted to be what all the other “cool” kids were and myself was no where around.  When I needed to fit in somewhere.  When I wanted to fit in somewhere.  It was always I and not myself.  

You see, for years and years (I’m sorry Terry, Dan, Chris, Ya’ll know who you are I honestly mean no harm whatsoever) I never blamed myself for living the lifestyle that I was living.  It was always my friends fault.  I smoked because my friends smoked, I drank because my friends drank, I stole (jeez, sorry mom and dad if your reading this, no mom, if you call and ask me what I stole I’m prolly not gonna wanna talk about it) because they smoked.  It was their fault.  Yet, I still loved hanging around them, even after college.  Why?  Cause I was fitting in. Being what they wanted me to be.  Never myself.  

So fast forward a little.  Who do you think suddenly had no control over his life?  Yep I.  Whose fault was it? Nope, not myselfs.

I really stuggled with this.  It was very hard for I to tell myself that it was his fault.  (Ok..i’m stopping with the I myself stuff, I’m getting confused)  It was very hard for me to accept the fact that everything, and I mean everything that happened to me in my life was MY FAULT!  Do you know how hard it is for an alcoholic to say those things? No?  Ask one.  

“Scott, how hard is it for for an alcoholic to admit self-guilt?”

Well, friends, I’m so glad you asked.  It was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to tell myself.  But you know what?  After I made that statement to myself, myself really started to come out of the shell that he was hiding in for probably ever. 

(sorry had to answer the phone…where was I)

Oh, yeah..Shell…right, thanks…right now I think I’ve just got an arm and maybe a leg out of the shell.  Testing the ground that I have never felt.  Makeing sure that it’s stable and I’m not going to sink.  It’s scary starting over.  It’s tough trying to expose myself.  It’s a process.  But ya know, it’s fun learning.  Again, I’m having such a blast!  Quite possibly the most fun I’ve had with myself in a long time.  Hush.

I still love my friends and my family to death.  There is no way on earth that I will ever want to change anything about the way I grew up.  It has made a caring, loving myself out of I (sorry..had to do it) Looking back and thinking what all they were put through at my expense.  Because I’m a selfish person.  Because I wanted what I wanted and if I didn’t get it (I’m still this way a bit) I was gonna kick and scream until I did. And they are still telling me how proud of me they are or things of that nature.  I’m humbled and almost overwhelmed.  

Thanks to all of you friends.  Old ones and new ones.  It’s because of ya’ll that I am who I am today…no..wait…I didn’t mean like I’m trying to fit in with ya’ll.  I meant..oh never-mind.  I’m getting my own identity.  I hope I don’t become a completely different person, yet I do. 

 

SC