It was their fault not mine

I had an interesting conversation with myself, like you do, and me and I went down memory lane.  We went way back to 8th grade (my daughter is in 8th grade which I suppose is why I was thinking about this) and progressed through all the stupid things that we did in school.  And then through college.  We tried to figure out why?  You know, together, we just couldn’t come up with “THE” answer.  I never did think myself was very smart.  

Thing is, when I was in school, I didn’t know who myself was.  I think I wanted to be what all the other “cool” kids were and myself was no where around.  When I needed to fit in somewhere.  When I wanted to fit in somewhere.  It was always I and not myself.  

You see, for years and years (I’m sorry Terry, Dan, Chris, Ya’ll know who you are I honestly mean no harm whatsoever) I never blamed myself for living the lifestyle that I was living.  It was always my friends fault.  I smoked because my friends smoked, I drank because my friends drank, I stole (jeez, sorry mom and dad if your reading this, no mom, if you call and ask me what I stole I’m prolly not gonna wanna talk about it) because they smoked.  It was their fault.  Yet, I still loved hanging around them, even after college.  Why?  Cause I was fitting in. Being what they wanted me to be.  Never myself.  

So fast forward a little.  Who do you think suddenly had no control over his life?  Yep I.  Whose fault was it? Nope, not myselfs.

I really stuggled with this.  It was very hard for I to tell myself that it was his fault.  (Ok..i’m stopping with the I myself stuff, I’m getting confused)  It was very hard for me to accept the fact that everything, and I mean everything that happened to me in my life was MY FAULT!  Do you know how hard it is for an alcoholic to say those things? No?  Ask one.  

“Scott, how hard is it for for an alcoholic to admit self-guilt?”

Well, friends, I’m so glad you asked.  It was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to tell myself.  But you know what?  After I made that statement to myself, myself really started to come out of the shell that he was hiding in for probably ever. 

(sorry had to answer the phone…where was I)

Oh, yeah..Shell…right, thanks…right now I think I’ve just got an arm and maybe a leg out of the shell.  Testing the ground that I have never felt.  Makeing sure that it’s stable and I’m not going to sink.  It’s scary starting over.  It’s tough trying to expose myself.  It’s a process.  But ya know, it’s fun learning.  Again, I’m having such a blast!  Quite possibly the most fun I’ve had with myself in a long time.  Hush.

I still love my friends and my family to death.  There is no way on earth that I will ever want to change anything about the way I grew up.  It has made a caring, loving myself out of I (sorry..had to do it) Looking back and thinking what all they were put through at my expense.  Because I’m a selfish person.  Because I wanted what I wanted and if I didn’t get it (I’m still this way a bit) I was gonna kick and scream until I did. And they are still telling me how proud of me they are or things of that nature.  I’m humbled and almost overwhelmed.  

Thanks to all of you friends.  Old ones and new ones.  It’s because of ya’ll that I am who I am today…no..wait…I didn’t mean like I’m trying to fit in with ya’ll.  I meant..oh never-mind.  I’m getting my own identity.  I hope I don’t become a completely different person, yet I do. 

 

SC

Serenity Revealed

Yep, to some of ya, sorry.  This may not be your cup of tea.  For the rest of you, let me know what you think.  What is your personal thoughts on the serenity prayer?  Come to think about it, I think we could all use this popular prayer at any point in our lives to set our priorities, in good times and in bad.  

 

God Grant Me the Serenity

Serenity - the absence of mental stress or anxiety

I am struggling with reaching the point of serenity.  As I have spoken about in several articles, mental stress and anxiety are big issues with me at this point of my journey.  Without God in my life, it would never be possible for me to reach that point.  But knowing that God is on my side, I know that when I really need serenity, He is going to be the one who gives it to me.  Not President Bush, Obama, momma, daddy, Billy Bob down the street, no one but God.  I have even found that just taking the time to stop, ask God to grant me this serenity, achieves some level of serenity.  Even when I’m focusing on my breathing during meditation, just repeating this phrase with each breathe, brings forth serenity for me.  God give me the peace of mind….

To Accept the Things I Can Not Change;

Self-will runs riot comes to mind.  That phrase is tossed around the rooms a lot.  Alcoholics love to have control.  We are a selfish bunch.  We want what we want, no matter what it is, when we want it.  Unless we ask for peace of mind in accepting the things we can’t change, the score of a football game, a date with a girl who says no, the presidential debate coming on during our favorite TV show, those things among others, we just are not going to be able to do anything about.  So why worry about them.  Accept the fact that, yep, your not going to be able to watch your show this week.  Is it going to matter next week that you didn’t?

Courage to Change the Things I Can;

Courage - the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.

Those things is life that we do have control over, but just don’t want to face them fo fear.  Telling ourselves that we are alcoholics, addicted to nicotine, love food way too much. Telling our friends and loved ones the same.  Not taking that next drink.  Not smoking that next cigarette.  Not eating that next piece of cake.  Not buying that boat because Johnny down the street has one.  All of these are struggles that people face. You’ve probably got your own.  Yep, it’s going to be painful to fix our struggles.  God can give you courage, if you’d ask.

And Wisdom to Know the Difference. 

Wisdom - scholarly knowledge or learning

See there’s that self-will run riot again.  Anyone addicted to anything knows that they can do anything.  Why do we think this?  Because we don’t have the wisdom to know anything different.  It’s ingrained in our minds that we know everything and can do anything.  When we are on the path to recovery (recovery being recovering from substance abuse, money abuse, food abuse, a death in the family) we have to think about what we can change during this current crisis and what we can not change, lest we fall right back on the path to destruction.

 

Comments?  Suggestions?  Agree? Disagree? 

 

Let me help you help yourself!

SC